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Eventually every family has to arrange the party no one wants to plan – a funeral. With relatives gathering for the holiday, it’s an opportune time to start a face-to-face conversation about each person’s ideal send-off.
However, it’s often awkward to start a funeral planning conversation. Hollywood to the rescue!
It’s easy to watch a funny film and start a serious conversation based on what you see in the movie. Here is a list of funny, family-friendly films that bring a light touch to a dark subject. These movies can help get the conversation started.
Undertaking Betty (2002 – PG-13) starring Brenda Blethyn, Alfred Molina and Christopher Walken. Stuck in a marriage that’s killing her, Betty thinks the only way to break from her two-timing scoundrel of a husband is to fake her own death. With the help of her rekindled old flame, the local undertaker, she finds a new life after a comedic funeral journey. The flamboyant competing funeral director in town creates the ultimate Star Trek funeral.
The Six Wives of Henry Lefay (2009 – PG-13) This is a comedic cautionary tale for those who don’t make funeral plans, or for those who make plans but get married way too many times. It’s especially instructive on the need to keep estate plans up-to-date. Stars include Tim Allen, Elisha Cuthbert and Andie MacDowell.
Waking Ned Devine (1998 – PG) starring Ian Bannen and David Kelly. After Ned Devine dies from the shock of winning the lottery, two longtime friends, Michael and Jackie, discover the body. They embark upon an outrageous scheme to claim the jackpot by getting all the townsfolk to go along with their plan. There’s a lovely scene that raises the idea of being present at one’s own funeral and hearing what people would say about you.
Get Low (2010 – PG-13) starring Robert Duvall, Bill Murray, and Sissy Spacek. This comedy/drama is based on the true story of a Depression-era man who threw himself a “funeral party” while he was still alive to hear what people would say about him. It shows how much detail goes into planning any kind of party, especially a funeral party.
Other comedy films to consider are Death at a Funeral (U.K. version 2007, U.S. version 2010, both rated R), Grand Theft Parsons (2003 – PG-13), and cult classic Harold and Maude (1971-PG). Most are available from Netflix or Amazon.com. You can find other funeral planning film recommendations at http://agoodgoodbye.com/funeral-films/.
Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death™, is author of the award-winning book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die and host of the new television interview series, A Good Goodbye TV. She speaks to groups using clips from funny films to illustrate funeral planning issues and help start serious conversations. Her website is www.AGoodGoodbye.com.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
Do your clients inform you when they have been diagnosed with an end-stage or terminal illness? Do you ask them to tell you? Even if you don’t, you might find this information useful for yourself and your loved ones.
Suppose your client learns that he/she has advanced cancer that isn’t curable. A recent study finds that your client will likely make different decisions about care if their doctor has talked with them sooner versus later about their treatment options for end-of-life care.
Specifically, the study finds that most patients make decisions for more “comfort care” and less aggressive care (like additional chemotherapy or ICU care) in their last month of life when they’ve talked with their doctor earlier, according to study author Dr. Jennifer Mack of the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. Of course, some patients do choose more aggressive care regardless of the timing of this discussion. And that’s the point: earlier discussion can help patients get the kind of care that they actually want.
Why is it important to know this? Because oncologists are not good about initiating discussions about the patient’s wishes for care as they face the end of their life. In this study, doctors talked to patients about their wishes on average only 1 month before the patient died. Usually, this kind of conversation occurs only after all the chemotherapy options have been exhausted, according to Dr. Thomas Smith, director of palliative care for the Johns Hopkins Sidney Kimmel Comprehensive Cancer Center, Why? It’s a “hard conversation” for doctors to have, Dr. Smith explains, but avoiding it “doesn’t serve as well to prepare the patients and families for what’s coming.”
Other studies have also found that near the end of life, less aggressive care can improve a patient’s quality of life, help patients stay at home, and can in some cases even help patients live longer. And — family members are actually less likely to develop depression after the patient’s death.
So the take-away is this: if a person is diagnosed with advanced cancer or other terminal illness, it’s up to the patient and the family – whether this person is your client, your loved one, or yourself – to initiate a discussion with the doctor about all treatment options. These options include comfort care and alternatives to all-out “aggressive” treatment. The patient and family can ask, for example: “what will my life be like if I do get the chemotherapy? What will my life be like if I don’t? How long might I live? What are my options for comfort care (including pain management and/or hospice)? What are my chances of staying at home?” With this kind of information, patients and families can make treatment decisions that best matches their wishes.
Yes, it’s a travesty that many doctors don’t take the lead on this with their patients. But until medical training and medical culture change in this regard, we have to rely on ourselves and our families to do it. Don’t be bashful. Don’t feel that you’re challenging the doctor. In fact, many physicians will be relieved that you have raised it and were just waiting for a cue from you to talk about it.
Randi J. Siegel, MBA, is the President of DocuBank (docubank.com), the largest advance directives registry in the U.S., which ensures that the emergency information and healthcare directives of its 200,000 enrollees are immediately available 24/7/365. Working with estate planning professionals since 1997, Randi frequently speaks at national estate planning conferences and has appeared on radio and television as an authority on registries. A member of the International Society of Advance Care Planning, she is active in health policy and health education related to advance care planning and advance directives and serves as Pennsylvania liaison to the National Healthcare Decisions Day initiative. Randi is an ongoing contributor to the Academy blog.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts regarding the tragedies of 9/11. One alerted me to S.J.’s poignant email on the list serve. Some of you may remember that I was in D.C. at that time. My recollections of standing on top of our office building watching the plumes of smoke and fire from the Pentagon are vivid. The twin sister of one of my staff members was caught in Tower I. Tola did not know her sister’s fate until late that afternoon. You can imagine the trauma. Her phone rang around 5 P.M., she did not want to answer, but she finally did. She heard a voice say, “Your sister is lying here next to me and she made it out. I think she’s going to be okay.”
It certainly impacted our lives, our perspective…forever. Our experiences, our attachment to the event pale next to those innocent lives lost and the family members who can only embrace the memories in their absence. Perhaps the only gift we can give them is to remember, to hold them in our hearts and our prayers.
We are never safe from those who wish us harm. Thinking, denying or wishing it otherwise will never change that.
God bless all 2,996 lost, the more than 6,000 injured and their families.
Mr. Parman is a frequent guest on the radio and can be seen on television talk shows explaining the importance of proper estate planning. Prosperity Productions selected Mr. Parman is a featured speaker in a nationally-recognized educational video on Living Trusts. He is the author of numerous published articles on financial and estate planning matters and the co-author of two books, Estate Planning Basics: A Crash Course in Safeguarding Your Legacy and Guiding Those Left Behind in Oklahoma: Settling the Affairs of Your Loved Ones.
Mr. Parman is a Member and Fellow of the American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys. He is also a member of the Oklahoma and Missouri Bar Associations, the American Bar Association, and the Oklahoma City Estate Planning Council.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
I read the Academy’s March 26 blog post entitled How Do You Deal with Grieving Clients? and immediately wished I had a magic wand that I could wave over every estate planning attorney so that they could be prepared for every grieving client they see in their office.
The truth is…. grief takes so many different forms that you can never be prepared.
My perspective might be somewhat unique, and in some ways, it’s probably a worst-case scenario perspective.
I do a lot of pro bono work with Hospice patients in our area. It’s truly a different calling as many know… it is hard and difficult because our clients and their families know they are dying. Working with our hospice clients is never easy and truthfully, it sucks!
These patients take top priority in my practice. The Hospice director, social workers, and my Hospice clients all have my cell number. I may get a call from the director or from a social worker in the middle of the night, “a patient has decided that they are dying, can you come and talk to them?”
Whether it is 3AM or 4PM, my staff knows that when one of these calls comes in, it is serious. Please interrupt a meeting. Hospice staff knows better than I when someone is close to death – I hope my other clients understand this, too.
I am not a trained Hospice volunteer because their job is too hard. In fact, my staff’s job is too hard. We lose every client/patient we work with. Some stay on longer than others and we are always happy when someone outlives Hospice. Usually, they do not. And that is okay. As a staff, we attend as many funerals as we can, we send plants and sympathy cards, but it is never enough.
So, why do it? Our clients are not going to be with us long but our hope is that we can be there for them if they need us and put their wishes into place. We hope that what we can provide is a listening ear, and whatever it is that the Hospice patients want – whether it be a will, a trust, a patient advocate, whatever. Sometimes, it’s just holding their hand when they die. For many, providing these simple things gives them peace of mind that allows them to die peacefully.
And I guess I have to say that I may never be hugely rich in dollar figures but what I have gained from this experience makes having a firm of my own worthwhile because I feel like I have made a difference in many families’ lives.
And that is hard to gauge in numbers.
Shelley J. White-Thomas is an estate planning and elder law attorney in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan. She is a solo practitioner at the White-Thomas Law Firm, PLLC and has been a member of the Academy since 2011.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
The relatively recent ability to provide very high-tech, expensive medical procedures to pets raises interesting questions for pet owners, veterinarians, and ethicists alike:
- Can we justify spending tens of thousands of dollars on a bone marrow transplant or chemotherapy for our dog or cat?
- Can we ethically own a pet if we are unwilling or unable to spend these sums on its care?
- Are we failing our pet if we decide not to “do everything” for it — and if the answer is “no” — can we avoid feeling guilty about it?
- What are our responsibilities to our pet vis à vis extending its life and/or preventing its suffering?
- Can we separate our own emotional desire for our pet to live longer from what may or may not be best for our pet?
A recent New York Times article highlights many of these ethical questions and also offers six opinions on the topic of end-of-life pet care. I found it thought-provoking and useful in two ways.
First, the article can be a useful resource for your clients if they are faced with a decision about caring for a seriously ill pet. It’s a series of short, accessible pieces.
Second, I found that shifting my own lens to think about medical care in the context of animals was a good exercise. Most of the questions above are the same ones we confront about high-tech treatments for ourselves and our loved ones. At some level, just the act of thinking about these questions in terms of animals forces us to compare and contrast these notions with our thoughts about human medical treatment. So while the answers to the questions above may – or may not – be different for our pets than for the humans in our lives, the thought process itself may actually help clients clarify their views about their personal health care decisions, as well. It did mine.
Randi J. Siegel, MBA, is the President of DocuBank (docubank.com), the largest advance directives registry in the U.S., which ensures that the healthcare directives of its 190,000 enrollees are immediately available 24/7/365. Working with estate planning professionals since 1997, Randi frequently speaks at national estate planning conferences and has appeared on radio and television as an authority on registries. She is active in health policy pertaining to advance directives and serves as a Senior Fellow at the Jefferson School of Population Health in Philadelphia. Randi is an ongoing contributor to the Academy blog.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
As all of you are, I’m on Facebook as well. A friend I grew up with lost her 17 year old daughter in a car accident 6 years ago. She has a “In Memory Of” Facebook page for friends and family to post photos or thoughts to. The past couple of years, only she posts. Recently the post read:
“I lost your pen Sunday. It was horrible. I have carried it with me every day since they handed it to me at the police station. I looked and looked. It was like losing a bit of you all over again. The next day, between the washer and the dryer, I found it. It just never ends. I miss you all the time. Mom”
I am not an estate planning attorney like most of our subscribers, I have consulted with hundreds of you over the past 20 years or so, and one thing that I have just never quite gained a clear understanding on is this: I have no idea how you master the art of sitting across the table from a grieving client and doing all the things they need for you to do as a professional without losing your empathy.
Looking at the huge number of responsibilities that estate planning attorneys running a law practice have to be an expert on—this seems to me like one of the most difficult parts. Is that true? Do you have words of wisdom you could share with others on the subject of being comforting, listening fully, having professional “distance” enough to get the job done without getting lost in the process?
Jennifer Price
Director, Member Services
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
Being a former Marine, I know all too well that the holiday season is often bittersweet for our deployed military personnel and their families. It’s hard to be joyful when you’re a world away from those dearest to you. Here are three ways you can make the holidays a little warmer for our military personnel.
- Send a Card or a Care Package to a Deployed Service Member.It used to be that civilians could send care packages addressed to “any soldier;” however, security concerns now prevent this. The Department of Defense requires that all letters, cards, and care packages be addressed to a specific service member. If you don’t personally know a deployed service member, you can go to ourmilitary.mil/care-packages/ to find a list of organizations that will help you connect with a soldier overseas. Not sure what to include in a care package? AdoptaPlatoon has compiled an excellent list of tips, ideas, and reminders to get you started.
- Write an Online Thank You Note. The USO’s Thanks From Everywhere page lets you post an online message to deployed service members, their families, and to wounded soldiers and veterans. You can also read messages from people in your area and around the country.
- Help Out a Military Family. Deployed soldiers aren’t the only ones who sacrifice to serve our country. The holidays are especially difficult for the wives, husbands, and children left at home during a service member’s absence. Here are some ways to help:
- If you already know a military family, bake a batch of holiday treats to share, or offer to babysit so that mom or dad can do some Christmas shopping without the kids in tow – the simplest gestures often mean the most.
- Volunteer with the USO, give to Operation Homefront, or support another organization that helps military families.
- Give or donate a Flat Daddy to the family of a deployed soldier. Flat Daddies are life-sized cardboard cutout photos of deployed service men and women. They’re designed to help children – especially young children – of deployed soldiers better cope with their parents’ long absences.
Whether or not you already have a connection with a service member, these are just a few of the countless ways you can show your appreciation and support this holiday season – and throughout the year.
Jennifer Price
Director, Member Services
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
Our Houston law firm received several emails today from a person who allegedly resides in Japan, who claims to earn $32.2M per year in income from his “business empire,” and who is seeking our assistance to handle his estate planning. He requested an engagement letter and the retainer amount in order to proceed with an estate plan. When we requested an explanation of why someone in Japan is interested in a Texas estate plan, he ignored the question and repeated the request.
Given the similarity between the foregoing facts, and those of a Houston law firm that does collection work that was scammed about a year ago, and a client that was almost scammed, I thought other attorneys should be aware of how this type of scam will probably work in terms of an estate planning law firm.
- If you respond to the request for a retainer agreement, and stipulate a minimum retainer, the purported client will send you a very authentic looking check, which you will end up putting into your trust account. If you ask for a small amount, such as $5k, he will probably send you $10k or more because, after all, he will have a lot of work.
- Shortly after you deposit the check, the client will “change” his mind about an estate plan at this time, or say that some family emergency precludes going forward at this time. He will then request an immediate return of the retainer, and probably even send someone to pick up the check. His objective is to get your check and cash it before his check bounces within the next 7-10 days. In the alternative, you might receive wiring instructions to a foreign bank.
- The person who picks up the check for the refunded retainer will be an alleged “friend or relative,” with fake identification, and will probably do one of two things: (1) drive immediately to your bank and negotiate the check; or (2) go to a check cashing business and immediately negotiate the check. The benefit of the second choice is that even if you stop payment on the check, the check cashing business is probably a holder in due course and any attempt to stop payment will fail.
For those who are interested, the actual email reads as follows:
We are a business couple and investor with a gross income of $32.2 Million US Dollars per year from our business empire. We want to retain your firm to be our Estate Planning Lawyer to help us with our WILL, if you are interested.
Please send us a retainer agreement we shall sign and return it back with your retainer fee and we shall book appointment to meet with you so we can write up our Last Will and Testament.
I hope the foregoing is helpful. Proceed with caution.
About the author: Stephen A. Mendel is a trial, real estate, business, and estate planning/probate attorney in the Houston, Texas area. Mr. Mendel has over thirty-four (34) years of business experience, over twenty-three (23) years of legal experience, and has maintained his own private law practice for the past sixteen (16) years. Mr. Mendel is a also a registered architect, licensed real estate broker, AV rated by Martindale Hubbell, was recognized in 2010 as one of Houston’s Top 100 Professionals, and was recognized as 2011 Boss of the Year by the Houston Association of Legal Professionals. Mr. Mendel was a fulltime faculty member for five (5) years with the University of Houston, Central Campus, where he taught construction related courses while he attended law school. Mr. Mendel is a contributing author of four books: (1) Strictly Business; (2) Love, Money & Control; (3) Total Wealth Management; and (4) Guiding Those Left Behind in Texas (a book on probate). Mr. Mendel publishes his own blog for his estate planning clients. www.mendaellawfirm.com/blog. In his “spare” time, Mr. Mendel enjoys jogging with his wife, snow skiing and attending sporting events with his son, and cycling.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
The recent death of Steve Jobs really made me stop and think about how I will be remembered long after I’m gone. I think this is a fundamental question that we all have. We all want to be remembered well and not just be another faceless name on a family tree or a name on a headstone in some remote cemetery.
When Steve Jobs passed away, I was amazed to see the immediate shift in the news cycle on every major channel. One minute I was watching Piers Morgan on CNN, and the next minute the news that he had died changed everyone’s news coverage to Steve Jobs and his legacy. It was pretty incredible for a business leader to receive this much attention. I can understand this type of attention for a US President, a famous actor or a member of the Royal family, but this type of coverage shows the impact he has had on our society.
I was also encouraged by the impromptu memorials that popped up at Apple stores all over the world. It reminded me of what we saw when Princes Diana and Ronald Reagan died. It was a very impressive show of love and support for this great man.
Now, whether you’re a fan of Apple or not, you have to agree that Steve Jobs was a visionary man that changed the way we all live, work and communicate with others. Very few people can impact one industry in their lifetime and yet he was a pioneer in many. He revolutionized the personal computing industry with Apple and the Macintosh computer. He changed the animation world forever through Pixar. He turned the music industry upside down with iTunes. He shook up the portable music market with the iPod. He woke up the mobile phone industry with the iPhone. And, he made the mobile computing industry available and fun for millions of people with the iPad and the iPhone.
I really liken him to someone like Michelangelo, Galileo, Christopher Columbus, and others that not only impacted our lives but changed them forever with their art and discovery. I really don’t think we realize now how future generations will remember this man and all that he’s done for our society.
Now the tough question is, “How will you be remembered?” I don’t ask this to discourage you. The reality is that most of us won’t have this type of impact on our entire society, but we can on our families. I encourage you to take chances in life, be bold and most of all love your family with all that you have. You may not invent the iPhone, but to your family you are just as important. So start working now on your legacy to ensure that you are remembered well by all those that matter to you!
Bryan W. Adams is President & CEO of Premier Planning, LLC and Founder of Legacy Safeguard. Bryan is considered one of the nations’ leading experts on final expense planning, and he frequently speaks throughout the country about the importance of assisting clients to gain peace of mind through advanced funeral funding.
Bryan’s passion for helping families prepare for their final expenses came from being raised in the funeral business. His family still owns and operates several funeral homes, and he is constantly amazed at how unprepared families are when a death occurs. Bryan has worked tirelessly to help Americans plan for the inevitable and lessen the burden on their loved ones.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
I was reading a recent Costco monthly magazine and came across an article by Andrew Lock, an internet marketing expert. I just had to share it with you because it reframes the blog I posted the other day about not knowing what is bad or good in our lives. Enjoy…
“Often life doesn’t go in the direction we want it to. Does that mean our lives are doomed and we can’t achieve the success we dream of? Let’s be realistic: Everybody fails. Consider the following.
Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” Disney went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim, California, on the grounds that it would only attract “riffraff.”
Thomas Edison’s teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs for being “nonproductive.” As an inventor, Edison made more than 1,000 unsuccessful attempts to invent the light bulb. When a reporter asked him how it felt to fail 1,000 times, Edison said that he didn’t fail all those times, but that the light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.
Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4 years old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was “subnormal,” and one of his teachers described him as “mentally slow, unsociable and adrift forever in foolish dreams.” He was expelled from school.
Every cartoon that Charles Schulz, creator of the comic strip Peanuts, submitted to the yearbook staff at his high school was rejected.
After Fred Astaire’s first screen test, the memo from the testing director of MGM, dated 1933, read, “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.” Astaire kept that memo over the fireplace in his Beverly Hills home.
Decca Records turned down a recording contract with The Beatles with this fascinating evaluation: “We don’t like their sound. Guitar groups are on their way out.”
A friend of mine in the music industry personally auditioned a singer by the name of Reg Dwight in the 1960s. He unceremoniously shoved the singer out of his office for wasting his time. That singer is now better known as Elton John.
Imagine if these individuals had given up, believing they were doomed to failure and would never achieve success. Do you think they ever felt down and depressed? Sure. But they didn’t allow a gloomy state to overtake them, to overpower their desire to succeed. In every case they did succeed—in a huge way, far greater than their wildest dreams.
Bad experiences can be viewed as positive in hindsight. They can be stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks. It’s your choice. But be determined to never give up.”
Robert Armstrong
President & Co-Founder
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
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