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It’s appropriate this blog post is appearing on April 16, National Healthcare Decisions Day. The initiative is designed to encourage individuals to prepare and discuss their advance medical directives. Advance directives enable families to know what kind of care is desired, should a loved one become ill and not be able to communicate.
Studies indicate 73% of Americans would prefer to die at home, but up to 50% die in hospital settings. It takes courage and determination to carry out a loved one’s wishes for end-of-life care. Knowing what those wishes are and discussing them is the first step.
If a family member says he or she wants to die at home, I recommend the following books for those caring for a dying loved one. The links in the titles (in color) take you directly to the corresponding Amazon.com page.
Coming Home: A Practical and Compassionate Guide to Caring for a Dying Loved One by Deborah Duda
Coming Home provides end-of-life care guidance that helps the reader acknowledge feelings of fear and guilt, and transform them with love. It provides helpful resources and practical information on preparing the home, talking openly about dying, legal and medical considerations, and how to be with someone in their final days. The book was first published in 1981 and the fourth edition came out in 2010.
The Last Gifts: Creative Ways to Be with the Dying by Jillian Brasch, OTR
The Last Gifts shares 17 first-hand accounts by an occupational therapist in a hospice program and her work with dying patients. Jillian Brasch details ways to help family be present and comfortable and help the dying patient to meet their final goals. Written for anyone in the vicinity of a dying person, this award-winning book is practical and insightful, with a direct simplicity that makes it entertaining and easy to read.
Dying the RIGHT Way: A System of Caregiving & Planning for Families by Janice Louise Long
While the title lacks appeal, Dying the RIGHT Way provides a lot of good information. The book draws upon the author’s experiences caring for her parents during their final four years. It is a guide for keeping elders or others requiring long-term care healthy as long as possible. The caregiving information includes tips, forms, checklists, and questions to ask. It also provides guidance for funeral planning and steps toward settling an estate.
The Needs of the Dying: A Guide for Bringing Hope, Comfort, and Love to Life’s Final Chapter by David Kessler
The Needs of the Dying uses comforting and touching stories to provide information that helps meet the needs of families and a dying loved one. David Kessler, a student and coauthor with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, identifies key areas of concern for the dying: the need to be treated as a living human being, the need for hope, expressing emotions, participating in care, the need for honesty, spirituality and to be free of physical pain.
Any of these books can foster the conversations we need to have with our families on National Healthcare Decisions Day – or any other day, for that matter.
Gail Rubin is a Certified Celebrant who brings light to a dark subject and helps get funeral planning conversations started. Her book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, has won multiple awards. Learn more at www.AGoodGoodbye.com. Gail is an ongoing contributor to the Academy blog. Contact: 505-265-7215 or email Gail@AGoodGoodbye.com.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
What books do you suggest to your clients when it comes to end-of-life and funeral planning issues? I’ve got a bunch of great resources on my bookshelf. Here are a few recommendations for your consideration, with direct links to Amazon:
Jane Brody, weekly personal health columnist for The New York Times, has written prolifically on living a healthy lifestyle. As she so practically notes in the preface to her book, “…even the healthiest of lives eventually must come to an end. In this book I hope to help my readers make that end – for themselves and for those they love – as peaceful and, yes, as enjoyable as it can be.”
The full title pretty much says it all: Jane Brody’s Guide to the Great Beyond: A Practical Primer to Help You and Your Loved Ones Prepare Medically, Legally, and Emotionally for the End of Life. This book is a wonderful resource that covers many planning areas in a warm, thoughtful tone. Throughout, Brody provides great insights on advance directives, funeral planning, care giving, hospice and palliative care, spiritual care, organ and body donations, and so much more. (hardback and Kindle)
The Party of Your Life: Get the Funeral You Want by Planning It Yourself by Erika Dillman is a relentlessly upbeat guide to making your send-off a memorable celebration. The book provides guidance on details for the funeral of the future: a major party! She encourages individuals to write down all the desired elements, from themes and settings to music and readings. With snappy chapter titles and helpful how-to tips, Dillman encourages establishing a funeral box, an official funeral website, and a posse to carry out your funeral plans. (paperback)
GRAVE reflections by funeral directors Gloria and Louis Salazar provides well-grounded information about funeral planning, burial versus cremation, legal issues surrounding death, prearrangement and insurance, and more. In a nice finishing touch, both authors wrote their own obituaries and funeral plans. (Kindle, paperback through www.GraveReflections.com)
Last but not least, there’s my book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. It covers the gamut with a light touch, from death’s door to “what if” questions. Steve Hartnett, AAEPA ‘s Associate Director of Education, is featured answering questions on how to ensure arrangements are carried out, pet trusts, and what happens when a person dies without a will or trust. (paperback and ebook)
Look for other titles related to care for ailing loved ones in my next post.
Gail Rubin is a Certified Celebrant who brings light to a dark subject and helps get funeral planning conversations started. Her book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, has won multiple awards. Gail is an ongoing contributor to the Academy blog. Contact her at 505-265-7215 or email Gail@AGoodGoodbye.com.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
What would more likely get your clients to make pre-need funeral plans: a real life tragedy or a light romantic comedy? Consider these two approaches.
The family of Josh Powell, the man who killed his two sons in an explosive house fire in Washington state, recently said he will not be buried in the same cemetery as the children.
Powell’s mother, wracked by grief, realized no one else was planning the disposition of Josh Powell’s remains. All the attention was focused on his two murdered children. She visited a funeral home and a few cemeteries and picked a gravesite.
It turns out the grave she selected was just up the hill from where the boys were buried. They were laid to rest on February 11 at Woodbine Cemetery, the municipal cemetery in Puyallup.
The idea that the murder suspect would be buried near his victims sparked outrage in the community. His family retreated and started looking for another cemetery in which to bury Powell. (read the MSNBC.com story)
Shopping around for a burial plot after a tragic murder is the last thing any family member wants to do. In this case, the mother’s clueless selection added insult to injury. Yet, it does raise some points for discussion.
Few people younger than retirement age buy burial plots. It’s something embraced by those who plan ahead. With so many people choosing cremation, why doesn’t this family look at that option and decide what to do with the remains later?
Heavy stuff. Perhaps a light romantic comedy would be more palatable. The film Elizabethtown (2005 – PG-13) offers an opening to discuss burial versus cremation.
In the film, Drew Baylor’s father unexpectedly dies of a heart attack while visiting his family in Elizabethtown, Kentucky. His mother sends Drew with dad’s favorite blue suit to have the body cremated and brought home to Oregon.
Drew is shown the Baylor family plot in Kentucky, which dates back 272 years. They don’t cotton well to the idea of cremation. His mom insists, and dad is cremated.
Drew’s mother is not well regarded by the Baylors. This being a comedy, she comes to the memorial service, where their old grudges are resolved. In reality, family funerals often extend or intensify disputes rather than bury them.
Then there’s The Blue Suit Compromise. Since the Kentucky Baylors wanted a burial, dad’s blue suit and other items were buried in the family plot. Drew takes his dad’s ashes on a road trip, stopping for scattering at significant spots along the way.
What should a family do about a final resting place? Is one even needed? Would they want burial or cremation? Are finances a factor in what the family wants done?
It’s better to raise these questions before there’s a death. It can reduce an enormous amount of stress at a time of grief. Are you the right person to help start that conversation?
Gail Rubin, “The Doyenne of Death,” is author of the award-winning book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. She speaks to groups using clips from funny films to illustrate funeral planning issues and help start serious conversations. Her website is http://AGoodGoodbye.com.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
Estate planning, as well as funeral planning, is generally a hard conversation to start. People are reluctant to talk about their mortality.
There’s actually a psychological term for this reluctance: the Terror Management Theory. It’s based on the work of Dr. Ernest Becker and his 1973 Pulitzer Prize-winning work, The Denial of Death.
The Terror Management Theory posits that all human behavior is ultimately motivated by the fear of death. Death creates anxiety: it can strike at unexpected and random moments, and its nature is essentially unknowable.
This awareness of our own eventual death, called “mortality salience,” affects our decision-making in the face of this terror. Many people deal with it by deciding to avoid the topic altogether.
It takes personal value and a healthy self-esteem to even consider talking about estate and funeral planning. And it’s estimated that two-thirds of the general population has low self-esteem.
So perhaps one-third of your potential clients have the positive self-esteem to even show up at your office to plan their estates. Playing a little game can help start the reluctant conversation.
Remember the TV show, “The Newlywed Game,” which quizzed newly-married couples on how well they knew each other? The Newly-Dead Gameä– based on elements of “The Newlywed Game” — tests how well couples know their partner’s last wishes in a fun, upbeat way.
The game debuted at the 2011 Frozen Dead Guy Days festival in Nederland, Colorado, and will be returning for this year’s festival March 2-4, 2012. (See the September 19, 2011 post on Cryonics and Estate Planning.)
Couples who have played this game come away with a fresh appreciation of how much they still need to know about each other when it comes to funeral planning. The Newly-Dead Game can also help adult children obtain information about their parents’ last wishes.
For those Academy Members who would like to consider The Newly-Dead Game for client or community outreach events, contact me and I’ll send you a complimentary .PDF file of the question cards and game rules. Just as talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead – and your clients will benefit from the conversation.
Gail Rubin is a Certified Celebrant who brings light to a dark subject and helps get funeral planning conversations started. Her award-winning book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, won Best of Show in the 2011 New Mexico Book Awards. The book is available in print and e-book formats at Amazon.com, Barnes&Noble.com, and at AGoodGoodbye.com. Contact her at 505-265-7215 or email Gail@AGoodGoodbye.com.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
This story is so extraordinary that if it didn’t really happen, no one would believe it. It seems life truly is stranger than fiction. The story involves two men, a hearse, a dead rock star, five gallons of gasoline, and a promise.
Remember the influential country rock musician Gram Parsons? He played with Emmylou Harris, The Byrds, The Flying Burrito Brothers, and The International Submarine Band. Parsons died in 1973 in a motel room near Joshua Tree National Monument from a morphine overdose at the age of 26.
The film Grand Theft Parsons (2003) is based on the true story of what happened to Parsons’ body after he died. The movie illustrates certain issues that can be helpful for estate planning attorneys to start conversations with their clients.
Prior to his death, Parsons stated that he wanted his body cremated at Joshua Tree and his ashes spread over Cap Rock, a prominent natural feature there. His road manager, Phil Kaufman, (who also managed Parsons’ drug and alcohol use as best he could) and Parsons had a pact. Whoever died first, the other would take the body to Joshua Tree and “set his spirit free,” that is, set the body on fire.
At the beginning of the film, Kaufman tries to obtain Parson’s body from the small, remote hospital near Joshua Tree. The nurse declines to give Kaufman the body, because he was neither a physician nor a close relative. He tries to steal the body from the hospital, unsuccessfully.
Parsons’ body goes to the Los Angeles International Airport for shipment to New Orleans for burial. Parsons’ stepfather arranged for a private ceremony, neglecting to invite any music industry friends.
In the film, Kaufman hires a hippie with a psychedelic hearse to retrieve the body from the airport and bribes the air cargo office clerk to obtain Parson’s body.
Once at Joshua Tree, Kaufman attempts to cremate Parsons by pouring five gallons of gasoline into the open coffin and throwing a lit cigarette inside – resulting in an enormous fireball. That part of the film stays pretty close to the true story.
The movie adds snarky ex-girlfriend Barbara Mansfield, who tries to cash in on Parson’s money and earthly possessions using a handwritten note on the back of a flyer advertisement. She says it’s his Will, but there is no notarization or anything that would make it official.
The note says: “To whom it may concern: I would like it to be known that it is my wish to leave Barbara Mansfield my assets and belongings in the event of my death. Signed, Gram Parsons.”
Kaufman tells her that’s not a Will. She says it’s a signed promise from Gram to leave her all of his things. Parsons was married to another woman at the time.
Using this note, she tries to obtain Parson’s guitar and music masters from Kaufman. She also tries to get money from the bank. The banker tells her they have rules, the piece of paper is invalid, and they would at least need a death certificate for her to prove that he is actually dead. She unsuccessfully tries to get a death certificate from the county registrar.
Outside of the questionable legality of setting a body on fire in a national monument, Grand Theft Parsons opens the door for attorneys to discuss the following points:
- In most states, a hand-written note does not make an acceptable Will, no matter how hard a desperate girlfriend insists it does. Do you as an estate attorney ever face this kind of situation? This is a chance to let your clients know what actually makes a legal Will valid.
- Hospitals will not release bodies to “close friends,” be they road managers or life partners without power-of-attorney proof. In fact, those who want to do their own home death care for a family member may have a difficult time getting a body released to next-of-kin.
- Bribing an air cargo clerk has got to be breaking some kind of law, but this was set in 1973, way before September 11 security enhancements at airports took effect. Only “Known Shippers” can now handle dead bodies when it comes to air cargo. You can’t just drive a psychedelic hearse up to the air cargo office anymore. Sigh.
By the way, in the true story, police chased Kaufman and his friend after setting the body on fire, but the pair got away. They were arrested several days later. Since there was no law against stealing a dead body, they were only fined $750 for stealing the coffin and were not prosecuted for leaving 35 pounds of Parsons’ charred remains in the desert.
Grand Theft Parsons is a fun film with a few life-and-death lessons sprinkled into the comedy. It can be rented on DVD through Netflix and purchased through Amazon.com. Rated PG-13 for drug references and some language.
Gail Rubin is the author of the award-winning book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die (http://AGoodGoodbye.com), and The Family Plot Blog, http://TheFamilyPlot.wordpress.com. She’s “knocking them dead” with her Funny Films to Start Serious Conversations talks.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. After 30 funerals in 30 days, to quote The Grateful Dead, what a long, strange trip it’s been.
No, my circle of family and friends has not been decimated. I did not personally know any of these people, but met them through the local obituaries. I documented their goodbye services on The Family Plot Blog as the 30 Funerals in 30 Days Challenge.
As the self-proclaimed “Doyenne of Death,” I undertook this challenge for three reasons:
- To illustrate the many creative ways people celebrate the lives of those they love,
- To help reduce a fear of talking about death – something that will happen to all of us, and
- To show that funerals are a life cycle event much like a wedding, best planned more than a few days in advance.
I have witnessed such a wide range of events, both religious and non-religious.
Early on, there was Howard Strunk’s memorial luncheon at a bowling alley bar. Josie the bartender put it together because Howard’s wife didn’t want to have a funeral for him. Memorial services are for community, not just for the family.
Sam Baxter’s celebration at Balloon Fiesta Park took the cake for Memorial Service of the Month. He brought the Adams family of balloons to New Mexico in the 1980s. As his first two Adams balloons stood tethered, the several hundred assembled let fly a raft of multi-colored helium balloons. Then more than two-dozen hot air balloons took flight on a perfect day for flying, followed by a tailgate party of grand proportions.
Erika Langholf’s celebration of life was exactly that. The event at a funeral home chapel combined laughter and tears, with many stories told by family and friends. She was born in 1958, and the music reflected the era in which she came of age, including Queen, Rod Stewart, Journey, and, reflective of Erika’s keen sense of humor, “Spirit in the Sky” by Norman Greenbaum.
Even within the confines of an established ritual, funerals can be personalized.
Lonnie Chavez’s funeral at Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic Church followed the form for a funeral Mass. However, as soon as I walked into the church, I could tell Lonnie was a Dallas Cowboys fan. From the blue casket with the team logo and blue and white flower arrangements, to both the deceased and the pallbearers in Cowboys football jerseys, what a way to ride off into the sunset.
Here are a few statistics from the 30 Funerals in 30 Days Challenge:
- The oldest person memorialized was a 90-year-old; the youngest was a 25-year-old.
- Sixteen of the deaths could be considered expected (long-term illness or advanced age) and 14 were unexpected (heart attack, stroke, accident, or medical mishap).
- Of all the event locations, 11 were at a funeral home, six were at houses of worship, five were in cemeteries, and eight were held in other settings, including at a private residence, at the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta Park, in a Japanese garden, at an open space picnic area, and at the German American Club.
- Thirteen of the events (nearly half) were creative celebrations of life with little or no religious references, or some spiritual readings but not a religious service.
Of the 30 events, almost half of these deaths were unexpected. Since we never know when our number will be up, it’s vital to have a conversation today about how you’d like your life to be celebrated. Time may be shorter than we may think.
Gail Rubin is a Certified Celebrant who brings light to a dark subject and helps get funeral planning conversations started. Her award-winning book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die (Light Tree Press), was ForeWord Reviews’ Book of the Year Award finalist in the Family & Relationships category. The book is available in print and ebook formats at Amazon.com, Barnes&Noble.com, and at AGoodGoodbye.com.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
On Halloween, October 31, we celebrate ghosts and scary things. The spirits of the deceased are remembered on November 1 and 2, All Saints Day and All Souls Day, respectively, also known as the Day of the Dead celebration.
Yet, you might not know this October 30 is the 12th annual Create a Great Funeral Day. Before Halloween ghosts and Day of the Dead spirits can go a-haunting, there’s usually a funeral or memorial service – the party no one wants to plan.
Confronting the idea of our own death causes uncomfortable thoughts. Rather than facing the inevitability of our dying, our culture denies death. Yet at the same time, we have this enormous celebration of scary and death-related things at Halloween.
The idea behind Create a Great Funeral Day is to consider how you would like to be remembered. By letting loved ones know how you’d like your life celebrated, the survivors’ experience can be so much easier.
Create a Great Funeral Day began in 2000, started by Stephanie West Allen. She saw her husband struggling to pull together a meaningful funeral for his mother, who had left no directions before she died. Observing his grief, Allen felt that knowing what her mother-in-law might have wanted would have eased the pain of memorial service preparations.
Why do people hesitate to discuss funeral planning, let alone do anything concrete about it in advance?
Social psychologists cite the Terror Management Theory, that all human behavior is ultimately motivated by the fear of death. Death creates anxiety, not only because it can strike at unexpected and random moments, but because its nature is essentially unknowable.
The awareness of our own eventual death, called “mortality salience,” affects our decision-making in the face of this terror. Many people decide to avoid the topic.
Create a Great Funeral Day prompts us to be mindful of our mortality. This self-awareness enables us to plan reflectively in advance, so we don’t leave our families to react, disorganized and stressed, after our death.
Blue Öyster Cult’s 1976 hit song, “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” is a perennial favorite on classic rock stations. Its intended message is that love transcends the actual physical existence of the partners. The Reaper refers to the Grim Reaper, a traditional personification of death in European folklore.
A fear of funeral planning equates to fear of death. Those who hold fear in one area of their lives often have fear in other areas. It won’t kill you to move away from the fear of funerals.
Act with love, plan ahead, and talk about what you might want. Your courage will help your family reduce stress at a time of grief, save money, and create a meaningful, memorable “good goodbye.”
On Create a Great Funeral Day, don’t fear the Reaper.
Gail Rubin is a Certified Celebrant and author of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. Follow her “30 Funerals in 30 Days Challenge” during the month of October at http://thefamilyplot.wordpress.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
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Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
Former American Idol judge and The X Factor creator Simon Cowell. Famed baseball slugger Ted Williams. Bredo Morstoel. Robert Ettinger. What do these four men have in common? And who are Morstoel and Ettinger?
They all have been, or intend to be, put into a cryogenic deep freeze after death. Their hope: when medical science comes up with a cure for whatever ailed them, they can be revived, cured, and restored to life.
Given that this might happen hundreds of years in the future, if at all, the question is – how will their estates pay for this? You think modern medicine is expensive now, wait until 2311!
Cryogenics is a wild and woolly world. It’s a challenge for the estate planning attorneys of today and could be an issue for decades to come.
Robert C.W. Ettinger conceived cryonics and popularized the idea in a 1963 book, “The Prospect of Immortality.” Ettinger died on July 23, 2011, at the age of 92. Mr. Ettinger’s body was promptly placed in a cryonic capsule and frozen at minus 371 degrees Fahrenheit, after several days of graduated cooling.
Ettinger was a physics instructor and science fiction writer. His idea of freezing the dead for future reanimation repelled most scientists. Still, he persuaded at least 105 people to pay $28,000 each to have their bodies preserved in liquid nitrogen at his Cryonics Institute in suburban Detroit. His mother, Rhea, who died in 1977 at 78, was his first patient. No word in Ettinger’s obituary on how his family will continue to pay for the service in the future.
Before Simon Cowell indicated he’d like to be frozen, baseball legend Ted Williams, whose freezing at an unrelated Arizona facility in 2002 set off a well-publicized family feud, was probably the most notable cryonics adherent.
But even before these two famous cryonics fans, there was Trygve Bauge, grandson of Bredo Morstoel from Norway. We have Grandpa Bredo and Trygve to thank for the annual Frozen Dead Guy Days festival in Nederland, Colorado.
After Grandpa’s death due to a heart condition in 1989, Trygve had him packed in dry ice and shipped to a U.S. cryonics facility. In 1993, Trygve, hoping to start his own cryonics service, moved Grandpa to his concrete bunker home in Nederland, a tiny town 17 miles west of Boulder.
The story then takes a number of interesting turns. Trygve was deported back to Norway in 1995 due to visa issues. Long story short – Grandpa Bredo has been kept in a Tuff Shed-sheltered, dry ice-fueled deep freeze in Nederland ever since. The family sends money monthly to keep the dry ice stocked.
But how long will the family keep sending money? Grandpa Bredo has been on ice for 21 years. As far as anyone can tell, there is no family trust in place to keep “The Ice Man” coming with the monthly 1,600 pounds of dry ice that keeps Grandpa at a steady (and cryogenically inadequate) minus 60 degrees Fahrenheit. (Kids, don’t try this at home!)
At this point, the money from the annual festival benefits the town, not the family. This year, the Nederland Chamber of Commerce put the festival, now going into its 11th year, up for sale to a professional festival organization.
I’m sure the family and the Chamber of Commerce would appreciate any free advice as to how to keep the cold hard cash coming.
Gail Rubin, Certified Celebrant, is author of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die and The Family Plot Blog (http://TheFamilyPlot.wordpress.com). She debuted The Newly-Dead Gameä at the 2011 Frozen Dead Guy Days festival in Nederland. The game is a fun, upbeat way to get the funeral planning conversation started: http://agoodgoodbye.com/newly-dead-game.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue, Suite 300
San Diego, California 92123
Phone: (858) 453-2128
www.aaepa.com
The International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association recently held their summer university. I attended the ICCFA University College of 21st Century Funeral Services and came away with a new perspective on how funerals are changing.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a psychologist trained in life transitions who spoke there, said, “More and more people in North America are asking ‘Why have a funeral?’”
People are saying, “When I die, just get rid of me no muss, no fuss. Maybe have a party, but I sure don’t want a funeral.” “Dad said he didn’t want us to go to any trouble, so we are just going to do what he said.” “We just thought it would be easier, faster, and cheaper.”
Wolfelt said that efficiency should not be confused with effectiveness. He said, “We’ve gone from funerals to memorial services to celebrations to parties. In the process, we have lost the connection to grief and emotion.”
People are losing sight of the value of holding some kind of ritual service, a safe place to grieve and mourn. Very often, the people who don’t recognize a death with a funeral or memorial service are in a psychologist’s office six months later with problems related to unexpressed emotions.
We in the U.S. have become an increasingly “mourning-avoidant” culture, where people tend to want to avoid sadness. At a meaningful funeral, people laugh one moment and cry the next as they share stories that cause laughter as well as tears. This experience of “paradoxical emotions” results in what Wolfelt calls the “sweet spot of emotional experience.”
Traditional clergy doing cookie-cutter funerals with little relevance to the deceased or their family have also contributed to the decline of funerals. Wolfelt and Doug Manning, founder of the In-Sight Institute (which certifies nondenominational “Funeral Celebrants”), both noted the declining number of Americans who attend church and the growing number of interfaith families.
The 2010 American Religious Identification Survey estimated that approximately 15% of the American population do not attend religious services or consider themselves church affiliated. If you grouped all the identified “nones” into a state, it would be the second largest state in the union, right behind California and before Texas.
In our highly mobile society with fewer ties to church or a specific religion, there is a growing corps of Funeral Celebrants who can offer families a personalized and individualized funeral or memorial service experience.
A Funeral Celebrant is trained in the specific area of conducting funerals and memorial services for families who are not affiliated with a religion or theology. Celebrants can assist a family with no clergyperson, as well as those uncomfortable with traditional religious funerals, on whom to call when there’s a death.
The use of Certified Celebrants originated in New Zealand and Australia, where 80% of the population chooses cremation and many people do not attend a church. Civil Celebrants, who are licensed by the government, perform over 50% of the funerals and weddings in those countries.
Doug Manning brought the idea of Certified Funeral Celebrants to North America in 1999 when he founded the In-Sight Institute. In-Sight has certified more than 1,600 Celebrants across the U.S. and internationally.
Another 36 Certified Celebrants graduated at the end of this ICCFA University. I’m proud to be one of them.
Gail Rubin, Certified Celebrant, is author of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die and The Family Plot Blog (http://TheFamilyPlot.wordpress.com). She provides the information, inspiration and tools to pre-plan thoughtful and meaningful funerals or memorial services. Her website is http://AGoodGoodbye.com.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
9444 Balboa Avenue Suite 300
San Diego, CA 92123
858-453-2128
www.aaepa.com
The quote, “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard,” has been attributed to actors throughout centuries. Comedy can help make the hard topic of death, funerals, and estate planning easier to discuss.
Lately, I’ve been screening a number of comedy films with scenes related to funerals or death. As I speak to groups on getting the funeral planning conversation started, I’ve started using clips from funny films and television programs to great effect. (I do have a license to do this, addressing that threat of a $250,000 fine and five years in prison you see in the FBI warning at the beginning of every home DVD.)
The Six Wives of Henry Lefay, a comedy released in 2009, could be a great tool for estate planning attorneys to help their clients get serious about their wills, trusts and other estate planning issues.
Audio-video salesman Henry Lefay (Tim Allen) disappears while parasailing in Mexico and is presumed dead. His daughter Barbie (Elisha Cuthbert) returns to her Upstate New York hometown for the funeral. Tensions mount into comedic explosions when Henry’s current wife, his five exes, and a mistress wage a fierce power struggle over the final arrangements.
Wife #1 is Kate (Andie MacDowell), Barbie’s mother. Wife #2 and #4 is Ophelia, an intensely passionate, if somewhat crazy, woman who Henry continues to “date” on a regular basis. Wife #3, Veronica, owns half of Henry’s successful business. Wife #5, Autumn, who’s Barbie’s age, thinks she’s in charge and will inherit everything since she’s the current wife.
None of them knows there was yet another wife before Kate, and the mistress Henry was with in Mexico expects to become wife #7. Things really get crazy after the body is returned to the U.S.
Wives #2 through #5 each have handwritten letters from Henry with different funeral arrangements. Veronica has side-by-side plots in Pleasant Meadows cemetery. Autumn has side-by-side plots in Shady Glen cemetery. And Ophelia has a letter saying he wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the ocean off a catamaran near the Bahamas.
Now, your clients probably don’t have as complicated a love life as Henry Lefay’s. You know issues of inheritance, business succession, trusts, funeral plans, and pre-nup agreements, especially after divorce(s) and remarriage(s) require detailed diligence and regular updating.
However, your clients might be like Henry Lefay in that they probably won’t sit still long enough to absorb much heavy information. You might consider investing in a copy of this DVD and loan it to your clients as a light-hearted lesson in the serious business of wills, trusts and estate planning.
Gail Rubin is the author of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die (http://AGoodGoodbye.com), a finalist in the 2010 Book of the Year Awards, Family & Relationships Category, and The Family Plot Blog, http://TheFamilyPlot.wordpress.com. She’s “knocking them dead” with her Funny Films to Start Serious Conversations talks.
Academy Guest Blogger
American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys, Inc.
6050 Santo Rd Ste 240
San Diego, CA 92124
858-453-2128
www.aaepa.com
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